10/21: Wiped Out in Walkersville

Hello,

Recent events have left me wondering why 2017 has been so utterly devastating to me, my family, and beyond. Those recent events have basically made me feel like I've gone 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali... I'm still wondering how I get up from all of it?

I got up in the morning and I took the four stooges: Courtney (Moe), Becca (Curly), Chelsea (Shemp), and Joanna (Larry). I was waiting for Courtney to do some eye pokes and some: "Shuddaps..." But nah, they were talking about the future of E.D. medicines and talking girl stuff. I went into my little spiel and how I scared off some Jehovah's Witnesses while Joanna got a box of Joe from Dunkin. Then I joined in with: "Oh I love it when you girls do your estrogen humor, heh heh heh heh."

After I took the girls there and got thank yous from the bridesmaids... I took myself to the gym which... I'll tell you, I wasn't impressed with this particular anytime fitness because most of the stuff was outdated.

I got done and left quietly.

After grabbing lunch at the local Sheetz, I went back to the hotel room and that's how I found out about the demise of my grandmother. Time of death wasn't 11:59 as I originally thought, it was 10:57, but the coroner marked it as 12:00 noon.

At that point, I said to myself: What do I do? Do I leave Frederick and just sit there... or do I just stay, put a brave face/smile on, and go to the wedding? I chose the latter.

Catherine Voss was the first one to greet me, now I couldn't remember where I remembered her from but then it hit me. She kept me in line most of the ceremony seeing if I was ok or not because she definitely could feel I was really heartbroken and definitely not well. After the ceremony was over, I went to grab a tonic water and waited for Joanna. She asked me if I was ok, I said: "Jo, I am not ok. I wish I was but I am not."

It was our half-time break and I watched the bride and the bridesmaids take pictures along with the groom as well... I saw John's sister Lacey and gave her a really huge hug and told her she looked great. I met her boyfriend who accidentally called me his own name... I said: Tim, I've been called lots of things... but that took the cake. Lacey looked at me and said: "Just hang in there ok?" I said: "I am doing just that."

As the night wore on, I took a minute and hit pause on everything... you know... just put everything on stop. I took one good look at my surroundings and said: I'm lucky to be here... I don't feel like I earned it, but I did....

Darkness fell... Courtney's friend Becca and I had a talk while we took a break from the festivities and her sister as well. She flashed me a smile and told me how she felt when her grandparents died too. She said: "Josh, you are doing a great job... A really great job keeping a smile on your face through all this... you've had a rough go."

I went back to the reception... had a few more club sodas, danced with Joanna and Chelsea. Chelsea said: "Josh, Joanna picked an amazing guy who's her husband..." I said: "What husband? Where husband?" Trying to joke. She said: "You!"

Hard to crack jokes... Hard to do a lot of things...When you are crying on the inside knowing that a lot of the stuff from your childhood are pretty much over with.

Courtney was worried and thinking I wasn't going to have an easy go at the table. But I did alright, everyone had a bunch of laughs from me... I think we probably had one of the best tables there... Gavin and I had a lot of laughs... He said: Dude, you're alright! I didn't get to talk to Ashley and her friend that much but... I managed to say hi and talk to her.

I tried to have fun... but to me, it felt like I was putting on an act, and seemingly, I was.

I succeeded and many people understood.

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Personally for me, losing mom-mom was about as damaging as it got. There will be no more Friday night pizza nights... no Christmases at her home... no nothing... it's all over... Death comes with life and that's the territory.

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Becca, The Voss Twins, Mallory, Chelsea, Lacey, and Emily definitely get my weekend warrior medals. Good words helped me through... the hugs.. everything...

Courtney and John, thanks for understanding that while yes, I was extremely happy for you both, I was really wrecked inside and I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm really grateful to the both of you for inviting me to the wedding and thankfully, I got through it without shedding a tear.

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Knowing what I know now, the hard part is over with... Now I am just ready to go on with life... knowing that my mom-mom is there in spirit... she's up there with pop-pop having a good time and probably starting arguments again. God will probably say: "Hey Hey Hey! Not in this house!"

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We got more to come... Nashville, Another Wedding, the Holidays will be upon us, and then 2018. But for now, let's kind of slow down and take it easy.

We will miss you, Pop Pop

Dear Pop Pop,

I knew you for 30 years and in those 30 years, you've seen grow up from little tike, to high school graduate, to Federal Worker. I remember the days that we'd always come over for Christmas and enjoy getting together for food, laughter, and watching a special or two on television. I've been missing those days a lot.

Pop Pop, when I was little and was interested in meteorology, well you always got mad when I turned on the weather channel...

I remember the days you bought stuff for us... just because you wanted to see us smile

I remember the days you bought shoes... just because.

I remember the day you took us all to see a movie... just because you wanted to see us smile

I remember the day you took me to Ruby Tuesday at Marley Station and took me for a walk around the mall... just because you wanted to have a little time with your grandson...

I remember the days when you and mom mom would argue and the three of us would just laugh our butts off because the argument was so stupid... then you'd say: "WHAT ARE YOU THREE LAUGHING AT!?"

I remember when you helped me build my school project...

I remember those days we came and visited to just... sit and talk...

I remember the days we came over for Friday night Pizza from Rocco's...

But I want you to remember me the way you want me to remember you...

This big tall man who used quips like: "What do you want, a fat lip?"

When I found out you were getting sick... and... mom told us all... it was sad to see that your mind was wasting away due to this deadly disease.

I remember the day I had to watch you when you were going through the beginning stages of your dementia and you were asking me who was playing during the college football game. I said: Eastern Tennessee State University and Fordham. You said: Fordham, they don't call them the Rams for nothing.

I said: That's right, you remembered.

As I continued to watch the football game, you dozed off, and mom came back saying: "He ok?"

I said: "Mom, He at least remembered who Fordham was."

I remember when my wedding came around and you guys couldn't come because you both weren't doing well. I was upset and I knew you guys wanted to see your last grandson officially take on the ultimate step of being a man, which is marriage. You guys took to Joanna very well. You looked at all the pictures and said: Who are they? Who is this? Is that you?

In my head, I knew you were getting worse.

2017 has been a very unforgiving year for me but also our family. While there has been excitement when it comes to travel and seeing some of the great places around the nation, it has been tough to be excited about it with you having been ill and not functioning well. I think my in-laws and wife's family understand that all of us did still have tight bond.

I only wish I could've said good the right way... unfortunately, I wasn't able to. I'm really sorry.

Now that you are up with God in heaven, I hope you're not badgering him with all these questions... but I know you probably are. :). I just want you to remember us the way we remember you.

I'm sure you're probably saying: "Hey God, take a look for a minute, those are my grandchildren down there, One's a successful contractor, the other's a chef, and the youngest is keeping us safe."

God probably said: "I see them all the time, they're going to do good things in life."

I hope you are at peace.