Hello,
Recent events have left me wondering why 2017 has been so utterly devastating to me, my family, and beyond. Those recent events have basically made me feel like I've gone 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali... I'm still wondering how I get up from all of it?
I got up in the morning and I took the four stooges: Courtney (Moe), Becca (Curly), Chelsea (Shemp), and Joanna (Larry). I was waiting for Courtney to do some eye pokes and some: "Shuddaps..." But nah, they were talking about the future of E.D. medicines and talking girl stuff. I went into my little spiel and how I scared off some Jehovah's Witnesses while Joanna got a box of Joe from Dunkin. Then I joined in with: "Oh I love it when you girls do your estrogen humor, heh heh heh heh."
After I took the girls there and got thank yous from the bridesmaids... I took myself to the gym which... I'll tell you, I wasn't impressed with this particular anytime fitness because most of the stuff was outdated.
I got done and left quietly.
After grabbing lunch at the local Sheetz, I went back to the hotel room and that's how I found out about the demise of my grandmother. Time of death wasn't 11:59 as I originally thought, it was 10:57, but the coroner marked it as 12:00 noon.
At that point, I said to myself: What do I do? Do I leave Frederick and just sit there... or do I just stay, put a brave face/smile on, and go to the wedding? I chose the latter.
Catherine Voss was the first one to greet me, now I couldn't remember where I remembered her from but then it hit me. She kept me in line most of the ceremony seeing if I was ok or not because she definitely could feel I was really heartbroken and definitely not well. After the ceremony was over, I went to grab a tonic water and waited for Joanna. She asked me if I was ok, I said: "Jo, I am not ok. I wish I was but I am not."
It was our half-time break and I watched the bride and the bridesmaids take pictures along with the groom as well... I saw John's sister Lacey and gave her a really huge hug and told her she looked great. I met her boyfriend who accidentally called me his own name... I said: Tim, I've been called lots of things... but that took the cake. Lacey looked at me and said: "Just hang in there ok?" I said: "I am doing just that."
As the night wore on, I took a minute and hit pause on everything... you know... just put everything on stop. I took one good look at my surroundings and said: I'm lucky to be here... I don't feel like I earned it, but I did....
Darkness fell... Courtney's friend Becca and I had a talk while we took a break from the festivities and her sister as well. She flashed me a smile and told me how she felt when her grandparents died too. She said: "Josh, you are doing a great job... A really great job keeping a smile on your face through all this... you've had a rough go."
I went back to the reception... had a few more club sodas, danced with Joanna and Chelsea. Chelsea said: "Josh, Joanna picked an amazing guy who's her husband..." I said: "What husband? Where husband?" Trying to joke. She said: "You!"
Hard to crack jokes... Hard to do a lot of things...When you are crying on the inside knowing that a lot of the stuff from your childhood are pretty much over with.
Courtney was worried and thinking I wasn't going to have an easy go at the table. But I did alright, everyone had a bunch of laughs from me... I think we probably had one of the best tables there... Gavin and I had a lot of laughs... He said: Dude, you're alright! I didn't get to talk to Ashley and her friend that much but... I managed to say hi and talk to her.
I tried to have fun... but to me, it felt like I was putting on an act, and seemingly, I was.
I succeeded and many people understood.
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Personally for me, losing mom-mom was about as damaging as it got. There will be no more Friday night pizza nights... no Christmases at her home... no nothing... it's all over... Death comes with life and that's the territory.
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Becca, The Voss Twins, Mallory, Chelsea, Lacey, and Emily definitely get my weekend warrior medals. Good words helped me through... the hugs.. everything...
Courtney and John, thanks for understanding that while yes, I was extremely happy for you both, I was really wrecked inside and I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm really grateful to the both of you for inviting me to the wedding and thankfully, I got through it without shedding a tear.
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Knowing what I know now, the hard part is over with... Now I am just ready to go on with life... knowing that my mom-mom is there in spirit... she's up there with pop-pop having a good time and probably starting arguments again. God will probably say: "Hey Hey Hey! Not in this house!"
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We got more to come... Nashville, Another Wedding, the Holidays will be upon us, and then 2018. But for now, let's kind of slow down and take it easy.
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