Hello Journal,
I just got back from choir and nearly had to be a solo tenor for the night. As the rain came down in the car and I was awaiting 725pm to come around, I was playing a freestyle solo song on my magic piano and realizing that... I can't play piano at all.
As I just sat in my car and my empty tummy rumbled for food. I just sat there thinking about how I was a part of an important group of singers but in turn, I just didn't feel like my voice was fitting in. I was too much of an up and down choir member. I'm the "Mark Reynolds" of the group, I can hit a home run here and there, but too often, I strike out.
Sometimes I can sing myself to a great night and sometimes, I just fumble a lot. The truth is... I can't read music, I just can't. I basically have to hear someone to detect what notes I am singing.
I had sung in choirs at St. Paul in the past and in high school. My mom was apart of the choir at St. Paul along with most of her friends as well. When I moved over to CUMC, I decided to take a chance with their choir in the first half of the incoming 2011 choir season and there's where I first met choirmate Jan about the possibility of joining the choir.
Jan said they were always welcome of new members to the choir and so on and so forth. Jan is like the "quarterback" of the choir. So I took a chance the following week and sure enough, I got off to a really bad start, but time went by, I got a little better, but it always seemed like I needed a "safety net" just to get through these 2 hours I am at choir practice.
My choirmate, who is a tenor as well, I basically had to "copy" his singing for the use as a "safety net" since I have an total inability to read music.
Some of the songs we were singing were next to impossible for me to even read or follow. I always messed up or got frustrated at myself. My conscience was telling me: "Josh, you just can't sing, you got the volume, but you just can't sing, you can't even read music."
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So why am I in choir?
I am in choir basically to sing praises to the good lord above. As long as I've got the breath, then I can sing or at least try to.
To be true, every member of the choir has never had an issue with me. I'm never in my element in choir, it's always attention to detail and getting mad at myself in silence because I screwed up someplace.
In fact, I'd say in the given time I've been at choir... I probably answered a total of 1 question or asked a total of 1 question. I never really say a thing. I just try.
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Tonight, I couldn't focus due to the ongoing shutdown and also I was seriously in need of some food. But knowing I tried hopefully makes the difference on Sunday.
So what's my honest opinion about my singing? I'm not that good, but I can say that I try. It takes practice yes, but even practice doesn't seem to do wonders for me. I really don't feel like quitting at time like this as some of the most important services down the road are coming up.
I'd say my best outing was last year when we did the 3-part, 17-minute "Gloria" by John Rutter. I knew there that I was going to be incredibly important due to my explosive volume. That really put the wind back in my sails but since then, I feel like I've trailed off.
I hope some of my choirmates read this and understand where I am coming from. I'm very critical of myself because I just can't read music and I need a "safety net" when I sing.
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A glimmer of hope in the shutdown... Hardly... I see this dragging on awhile longer...
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"Until the next post, I'm signing off..."
~ Joshua
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